I’m really busy! We’ve all said it, we’ve all been it. There are times in life when there are just way too many things happening at once. You feel like you are underwater, and if one more person asks you for something, you might just have to throat punch them. It’s those moments where it is in fact lawful in several states to indeed throat punch someone without any sort of reprisal from the authorities. That may or may not be true, but nevertheless that doesn’t matter. What we are really here to discuss are those times when you are in fact not busy at all, but you want everyone around you to assume that you are busy whereby they leave you alone.
The Laziest Man Alive
It is here that our story begins. The hero of this particular tale went by the name of Gary. I say went by because I can not currently confirm whether he is still among the living. Let’s just say he is alive in the interest of keeping things light hearted. So Gary was a friendly sort, always quick with a wave hello, or a bit of saucy tongued sarcasm. Alas, this was not where Gary truly shined my friends. No sir, it was his innate ability to weasel his way out of work that really made him stand out from the crowd.
Gary was, at times, a hard worker, but typically could be classified somewhere in between a slug and sloth, moving at a snails pace. More simply put he was a lazy piece of shit. Now, if you were a coworker of Gary’s it could be argued, and rightfully so, that working with Gary was at best frustrating and at worst an exercise in futility. I, myself did not have the displeasure of working directly with him, but I did get the enviable distinction of working adjacent to him. By adjacent, I mean I worked in the same company as he did but not in the same department. Because of that, I never had to deal with the frustration of his overt laziness, but instead I was able to keenly observe his outright genius, and marvel at his true mastery of the subject of laziness. Gary was of course an artist, and laziness was his medium. And he taught, whether he was aware or not, a master class in its utilization.
The Master at Work
At this point, you might be wondering, ‘well I’ve known and worked with a lot of lazy people before, what’s so special about this clown?’ This particular clown was able to get away with his abject laziness for years. Years I tell you! That is what made him so special. See, Gary had a position that took him to all corners of the company we worked for, as did mine. No two people travelled to as many places within the grounds of the company we worked for than the two of us, even though we had two very different positions. Gary was a forklift driver, and I was a lowly IT support wiener. Our paths would cross frequently, and it was in those moments where I was able to see his craftsmanship firsthand.
Everyone who worked somewhere in the plant like Gary and myself, had a two way radio to communicate with others. Laziness may have been Gary’s medium, but the two way radio is the instrument he used to manipulate that medium so well. To be more precise though, it was the words that he uttered over that two way radio that made all of this possible for him. It was three simple words. I’m really busy. Who knew that so familiar a phrase could be so powerful? That’s it, I’m really busy. That is all he would say over the radio when someone asked him a question. I’m really busy! It was simple, yet brilliant. Since he was typically off by himself on his forklift in some dark corner of the plant, nobody could know for sure if he was truly ‘really busy’ when he proclaimed for everyone to hear on the two way radio ‘I’m really busy!’
He Was Not Busy
Fortunately, as the other traveling man of the plant, I was able to catch Gary in the act of uttering that phrase on several occasions. The first time I caught him he was sitting at a desk with his feet up in a small office that nobody else was in. I had to grab some old computer equipment, and I came in the office as he was responding over the radio. I heard the familiar retort ‘I’m really busy!’ as I walked into the office. We made eye contact. In that moment when our eyes met, he asked me a question, not with his words or his body language, but with his eyes. He said, ‘You cool, bro?’ Without even thinking, I answered back in the same fashion, ‘yeah, bro, I’m cool!’ Although I hadn’t been seeking him out, I was glad I had crossed paths with him and had the chance to see it in person. He was not in fact the world’s busiest guy, but the world’s laziest, who at the same time has pulled the wool over everybody’s eyes, because they are convinced he really is a busy, guy!
Now I could have ratted him out then and there, but as you remember we came to a non-verbal understanding, and I wanted to respect that. I wanted to learn the ways of the lazy man so I could incorporate that into my own life. I did learn the ways. Well, let’s be honest I was already well versed in the ways, but it was the art of the con that had thus far been elusive to me. The ability to trick the people around me was the missing piece for me. So I studied. For weeks, nay months, I observed his methods, watching his mannerisms, the tone of his voice, the pitch, the timbre, the inflections, the subtle nuance. It was truly remarkable how hard I had worked at being lazy, bordering on paradoxical really.